One of the traits of university students can be the "know it all" syndrome. During college, students often think they know more than the rest of us. With this in mind, I decided to spend a few minutes paying attention to the advice my son is giving me as he heads off to college.
1. Get out, Mom, there's a whole world out there! "I don't think you're taking advantage of all the opportunities you could be," my son tells me as he drives his UHaul from Los Angeles to UC Berkeley.
When we have kids, as much as we try, there are a lot of routines that inherently form to keep our lives sane. Routines help us get our children ready for school in the morning, make sure they're eating balanced meals, and ensure they show up to sports practice in the evening. As the years go by, patterns emerge and we fall into them. As this new empty nest chapter starts, it's time to take out the bucket list for re-evaluation. It is time to plan, not only for frivolous fun, but for new work possibilities and creating a new list of goals. On average, we only have a little more than a third of our life span left, so best to make the next chapter a great one!
2. Get your finances in order. "Do you know that stress about money actually lowers your IQ by 10 to 12 points?" my son tells me. This is true according to a recent report in US News & World Report.
One of the joys of parenting can be paying for their tuition, their first set of furniture, their first car, or even car insurance. It can be because you want to set them up for success as much as possible or maybe you just want your child to have a smoother beginning than you had. Due to these efforts, you may find a bigger chunk of your bank account is missing than usual as they head off to college. Use this time to figure out how to revamp your financial picture. Decide if you need those "extra" bedroom(s), or your house at all! It might be time to downsize your living space or design that patio you dreamed about to enjoy the Venice sunshine.
3. The next piece of advice is part and parcel of the same thing. Me: "Do you want the stuff in your bedroom?" My son: "No, except for x, y, and z, get rid of it." Me: "Really? Aw."
Unless you are keeping items for your potential future as a grandparent, this is the time to release those childhood items that no longer serve your space. It's time to let go of worn baby clothes, sports equipment for passions that were not ignited, middle school clothes that no longer fit, twin sheets or themed towels that are no longer current, collectible cards, and old textbooks. As much as it would be nice to have your child share in this chore and responsibility, this is one that you could benefit from doing regardless. With smartphones and picture sharing, it's easy to do this with your offspring present or not.
4. "I'm not going to read your texts. Anything longer than two lines and my eyes blur over."
There's a segment on Jimmy Kimmel Live where celebrities read texts from parents and their advice in mockery. As your children head off to college, it might be time to figure out the best way to communicate with your college-age student and re-evaluate how to communicate with them, and how often. I have a lot of advice for my son. However, passing it along is going to get me very far if he never looks at it.
5. "If I don't answer the phone, I'm doing stuff, I'm not ignoring you." It is not your child's job to help you adjust to their transition into adulthood.
With all these life changes for your university student, you may no longer know your grown child's schedule, and it's nothing to take personally. I don't take it personally, but I found it sweet and good advice that my son told me this valuable nugget.
6. "I don't care about it if it's already over" my son said about the past. Best to use this milestone to look forward to your own life and support your child as they take their next step. This is not the time to dwell on the past.
If we feel nostalgic and looking back at the parenting goals you didn't accomplish, don't beat yourself up. Not every child can speak multiple languages, play an instrument, win sports competitions, earn straight A's, and have done everything under the sun by the time they graduate high school. Their own personalities come into play, as well as their own goals and desires. There is simply not enough time to do everything.
This advice is for the empty nester, parent of a transfer student, parent of a student going far away for college, or leaving for good, as opposed to the parent of a young 18-year-old's first term at college. Those young students may be home with surprise visits more often than you think!
This article was originally published in Venice Living Magazine, August 2019. Jennika Ingram is the author of the book Mom's Turn and local Venice mother since 2009.
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